I was sitting at the computer this morning, looking out the window at the yard and the plants that have come to life. Every green shoot, every bud, every stem, every flower, is a miracle. The scene was so beautiful, the day so promising, that I was overcome with happiness. This made me think of the loved ones I lost in 2007. As the years passed, I came to the conclusion that happiness was possible. More importantly, I decided I was worthy of happiness. Today, I am a happy person, and part of my happiness comes from having my departed ones in my life. Surely they would be happy that I am happy. They would also be glad that I’m not wasting the miracle of each day. Don’t waste your miracle. Work toward happiness steadily, relentlessly, and you will find it. What are you doing to create happiness?
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Enjoying Every Day is the Best Tribute to a Lost Loved One
101 Affirmations to Ease Your Grief Jouney Now on the Kindle
According to a recent “Wallstreet Journal” article, 50% of the books that are purchased are electronic. How the publishing world has changed! Kindle and Nook reading devices make it easy for travelers to read books while they are away. Home readers also like these devices, which are improving all the time. With these thoughts in mind, I had my affirmations book converted for the Kindle. It sells for less than the paperback and is easy to read. You can read these affirmations whenever you nfeel you need a boost, and wherever you are in the world. Please remember, though, that 101 Affirmations to Ease Your Grief Journey: Words of Comfort, Words of Hope, is a caring gift for anyone who is grieving. Fresh flowers are thoughtful but, as I discovered in 2007 when four family members died, they fade quickly. Printed words do not fade, indeed, they can last for centuries.
Free Stuff is Coming to This Website
Everybody likes to get things for free, even me. While I was creating handouts for two forthcoming presentations, I realized it would be a good idea to offer these handouts on my website for free. Readers could download them and, better yet, use them. The first handout you will see is a favorite of mine, and actually comes from my forthcoming book, Help! I’m Raising My Grandkids: Grandparents Adpating to Life’s Surprises. It’s called a “Grandparent’s Bill of Rights.” This handout comes from life experience and, while it contains helpful information, it also contains some smiles. You should be able to access the handout in a couple of weeks by clicking on the New Resources tab at the top of my home screen. Please share the handout with any grandparents you know who are raising their grandkids, or care for them on a regular basis.
Speaking to Groups is Challenging and Fun
Over the years, I’ve given hundreds of presentations to various groups. Some groups were small, 12 to 20 people, and others were large, hundreds of people in a large meeting hall. I have to get my act together in order to give presentations. While giving presentations is fun, it also stimulating. Each presentation or workshop has to be organized, logical, meaningful, and most important, fit the group.
I speak from the heart, include research findings, and practical tips for audience members. At the end of June, I’m giving two workshops at the Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering in Tampa, Florida. One is about creating a personal happiness plan. The other is about continuing my deceased daughter’s mission of raising her twin children. Neither of these talks is easy, yet I will still enjoy giving them.
Both workshops have been outlined, and I’m working on sub-points now. I’m also working on meaningful handouts, handouts that people will want to keep and refer to later. My goal is to help those who are grieving and I’m honored to be asked to speak. Speaking about my multiple losses helps me and those who come to hear me. Shared experiences and words link us together. Onward to Tampa!
When Tears Take You by Surprise Again: Coping with Loss
This week I spoke to a group of Eldercare volunteers in my community. A dozen people came to hear me speak–dedicated volunteers who are willing to help others. Once a teacher, always a teacher, and I had my handout ready. It is a good handout, the “bones” of my talk, and I also brought wallet cards with happiness tips on it to give to the attendees. In the middle of my talk, without any warning, tears filled my eyes. “I’m going to cry,” I announced. And I did cry. Two attendees started to cry with me. Though five years have passed since four family members died within nine months, grief took me by surprise again. Why did I cry? There are two reasons. First, you never get over the death of a child; you learn to live with it. Second, I didn’t practice my talk aloud as I usually do. Practicing my talk aloud makes it real and prepares me for giving a talk. How did the audience react? I think my tears made my story real to them and they gave me a an enthusiastic round of applause at the end. As they left the room, many commented on the helpfulness and power of my talk. If tears take you by surprise, don’t apologize for them. Your tears show you are human and connect you with others. Grief really is the tie that binds.
The Apple Tree and Hope of Spring
Two weeks ago, the apple tree in my back yard awakened from winter. If I looked closely, I could see tiny specks of green on the branches. In only a day, these specks had turned into tiny leaves. Hours later, the leaves started to get larger and the tree looked like it was covered with green lace. Now I see white dots amidst the leaves, blossoms that are going to flower at any moment. Seeing the apple tree come to life again gives me hope after a five years of grieving. If we let it, nature can help us to heal. Nature is always changing and so are we. After a long period of grief, self-examination and acceptance, we, too, may flower again and create new lives for ourselves. I am living that life now and, to my astonishment, I am happy. May you find happiness as well.
Are you suffering from Ambiguous Loss?
I just finished a book by Pauline Boss, PhD titled “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience.” A retired University of Minnesota professor, Dr. Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss.” What is it? It is a loss without a body and without a death certificate, as with the 9/11 victims. According to Boss, ambiguous loss is the most stressful of losses and “blocks cognition, coping, and meaning-making and freezes the grief process.” You may suffer from ambiguous loss if the person who died changed drastically in recent years or if family members shun you at the memorial service. Do you think you’re suffering from ambiguous loss? If so, I encourage you to learn more about it. You will understand yourself better and cope better too.
Creating a Grand Family
Today is the fifth anniversary of my daughter’s death. I think of her every day and every day I promise to make decisions she would approve of and make her glad. In some ways, it’s hard to believe my daughter has been gone for five years. Where did the time go? What did I learn? One thing I learned is that two teenagers and two grandparents can come together to form a grand family. It is a true miracle. Still, all of us had to go through a lot of pain to get to this place in our lives. I learned that my grandchildren are kind, brilliant, helpful people. Today, I we share mutual love and mutual respect. During the last five years I learned grief can be shared. Family members, close friends, and total strangers have come to my aid. But the most important thing I learned is that each of us has the power to come to terms with grief and create a new life. My daughter would want me to laugh, set goals, and enjoy each day. I’m doing these things. Ten percent of all the grandparents in America are raising their grandchildren. and the number is going up. So in memory of my daughter I have written a book to help GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren), and GAPs (grandparents as parents), and hope it will be published soon. You are in my heart, Helen, and always will be.
Helping Those Who Grieve
I continue to write about loss and grief. My grief reconciliation and recovery articles are posted on the Open to Hope Foundation website and EzineArticles. Right now I am trying to sell a book about grandparenting. It’s an uphill battle in a down economy. Why do I continue to write? One reason is to track my feelings, but it is the lesser reason. The main reason is to help others. When I attended The Compassionate Friends Conference in Bloomington, MN last summer, I was struck by the power of shared grief and healing. Reaching out to others gives new purpose to my life and I just submitted two presentation proposals to two organizations. While I hope my proposals are accepted, it is’t imperative. Helping others is what is important to me. If you want to share your feelings, or challenges, or successes, please post here. I will read every word!
Grief Recovery or Reconciliation?
In the early stages of grief my goal was to stop the pain. I had cried for weeks and wanted the crying to stop. I wanted to feel better. I wanted my former life back. With the passage of time and lots of grief work, I was able to stop crying. Day by day, I slowly began to feel better. But my former life did not return. Instead, I had a new and different life, a life without my daughter, father-in-law, brother and former son-in-law. According to many grief experts, we do not recover from grief, we come to terms with it. Other bereaved parents agree. In fact, the comments I have heard most are “You never get over it” and “You learn to live with it,” referring to loss. More than four years have passed since my daughter died and I have adapted to my new life. Still, on her birthday and at Christmas time, tears come to my eyes. That is okay, for tears are a sign of love.