On New Year’s Eve I don’t stay up late. The glittering ball in Times Square will drop whether I watch it or not. But I am very aware of the ending of one year and the start of another. Though I don’t make resolutions, I do write affirmations for the coming year. Affirmations make me focus on the positives in my life and positive words to describe them. Sometimes I write an affirmation on a small piece of paper, stick it in my pocket, and read it several times during the day. A recent affirmation: I am finding new ways to give and this makes me feel good inside. Do you feel like you’re stuck in place? Start writing affirmations. All you need is a pencil, paper, and positive words like believe, thank, give, value, trust and care. Write your affirmations in the present tense even if they are not true yet. You may be surprised at the result.
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You Can’t Let the Humbugs Get You Down
I’ve worked hard on Christmas. But my last gift idea has turned into a novel. First, I thought I had ordered bookends online. As it turned out, I didn’t complete the order. So I looked up bookends on the Barnes & Noble website, found the pair I wanted, and went to the local store, only to find out they weren’t in stock. The bookends were ordered and came today — both of them broken. I braved the holiday traffic, drove in circles looking for a parking space, found one, returned the bookends and received a credit. Clearly, my gift idea for people I love wouldn’t be under the tree. “I’ve got a case of the humbugs,” I thought, “and I can’t let them get me down.” My gift idea is still a good one, the bookends will come eventually, and I will give them to the intended recipients. We may get the humbugs temporarily, yet we can give ourselves an attitude adjustment. In the end, Christmas and gift giving is all about love.
Remembering Old Traditions, Creating New Ones
Our family has many traditions and having oyster stew on Christmas Eve is one of them. When they were little our two daughters wrinkled their noses at the mention of oyster stew. Still, we asked them to take a taste, no more than a teaspoon. As the years passed they grew to like oyster stew and this tradition. Four years ago my elder daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash. The pain of this tragedy is still with us, yet we are trying to new memories and traditions. We have two traditions, giving to the food bank and giving to the library in her memory. These are heartfelt, practical traditions that help others. If our daughter was here she would smile.
Giving: A Way to Recover from Grief and Craft a New Life
Giving expresses the spirit of the holiday season. I started my shopping early and have even wrapped some gifts. This Christmas, four years after four loved ones died, I’m going to focus on a different kind of giving — sharing my time and traning. I’ve already rung bells for the Salvation Army Red Kettle program. In addition, I’m going to continue mentoring a new writer, give free talks about grief recovery, and give my books away.
As time passes, I’ve found that giving helps me most. When you’re consumed by grief, you may not be able to imagine yourself giving. But the time will come when you feel the need to give. Life isn’t over yet and you and I have much to give. Let’s do it!
A Fitting Memorial for a Fitting Cause
Tomorrow my husband and I will drive to the University of Minnesota to attend a scholarship luncheon. At the luncheon we will meet the two medical students who received scholarships, established by the family, in memory of my father-in-law. We think the scholarships are a fitting memorial to an outstanding physician and father. For one thing, the scholarships honor academic achievement. They are practical as well, helping students who really need the help. Though Dad won’t be with us physically, he will be with us in spirit. We will think about his marvelous sense of humor, his never-ending intellectual curiosity, the leadership positions he held, and his role as the family patriarch. Are you looking for ways to honor a loved one? Think about establishing a scholarship in your loved one’s name, a fitting memorial for someone you loved so much.
Speaking to Community Groups: Q and A Time
Last evening I spoke to a church group in my home town. The title of my talk was “Spiritual Women Helping Each Other” and it was about 40 minutes long. After my talk I asked audience members for their thoughts and comments. My request was met with silence. Had my talk been a dismal failure? Finally, two people spoke up and then a third. “We’re in awe,” the woman said. “We don’t know what to say.” Apparently my worry had been in vain. Audience members understood my talk, followed it on the handout I provided, and were moved by my words. Several friends came to hear me and I was moved by their kindness. If you give a talk and get few questions and answers afterwards, don’t worry. The audience may have been moved by your message and will be thinking about it for days to come.
Thanksgiving Thoughts: Remembering my Daughter
Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me. My parents were married on Thanksgiving and I always sent them an anniversary card. My daughter was born on Thanksgiving and we always sang “Happy Birthday” to her at dinner time. Now my parents are gone, my daughter is gone, and there are no cards to buy and no songs to sing. How do I get through this holiday? I am selective about memories, for one thing. Instead of dwelling on sadness I think of the joy my parents and daughter brought to my life. Today, the extended family celebrates Thanksgiving differently and it has become a mini family reunion, something else that brings me joy. Giving is part of Thanksgiving and my husband and I have donated money to the local food bank in memory of our daughter. When times were tough she used the food bank and it is a fitting memorial to her. The best part of Thanksgiving is celebrating it with my twin grandchildren. They are college sophomores now, young adults pursuing their careers and their dreams. I am thankful for my family, my devoted husband, my grandchildren, and for life itself.
Using This Blog to Push a Business/Product Shows a Lack of Ethics
Ever since I started this blog I’ve received strange emails from people. I’ve gotten as many as five a day and most make no sense at all; they’re gibberish. Apparently these senders hope to gain access to my website, my computer, advertise their business or their product(s). Using this blog to push a business or product shows a lack of ethics. Worse, it shows a total lack of compassion. I write books and maintain this blog to help people. If you are one of the senders, please think of those who are grieving. If you believe in your business or product, then pay for Internet or print advertising. It’s the right thing to do.
Start Writing Your Grief Story Today!
After I’ve given a talk about recovering from grief, many people ask me how to go about writing a book. Some authors use a random approach and write about whatever comes to mind. I work from an outline. First, I determine the main topic of the book. Next, I identify sub-topics and make a list of them. These are my chapters. I put this information in outline form and let it “percolate” for a few weeks or months. During this time some chapters may be deleted and the order of the chapters may change. Then I start writing. Sometimes I deviate from the outline, but for the most part, I stick with it. I encourage you to write your own grief story. Start today. Don’t try to impress anyone; just be your yourself. Writing will lead you to new discoveries and a new life.
Women Helping Women
I wouldn’t be as happy today were it not for the women who have helped me. Four years have passed since my daughter died and my female friends still support me. They ask questions that let me share my feelings and continue to provide encouragement. Women are very aware of their feelings and the feelings of others. This connection allows them to help others. I’m thankful for the caring women in my life and I try to return their kindness.